Event Horizon (1997) – Paul W.S. Anderson

Introduction

Hey, listen – if you had told me that after making Event Horizon Wes Anderson would go on to write and direct The Royal Tenenbaums I would have told you to ‘fuck the shit off’. Why the hell didn’t he get Sam ‘Dr. Alan Grant’ Neill to narrate it? That fucking idiot missed a trick. And Laurence Fishburne? Hello?! Easily could have played Luke Wilson’s character (arguably the weakest Wilson).

So, everyone thinks it’s a really scary film and all of that when what’s basically happening is the adaptation of traditional Lovecraftian elements into outerspace. It’s essentially Star Trek getting raped by In the Mouth of Madness, so John Carpenter must have been pinching himself when he saw Neill betray him in such a callous manner. But, hey, at least it didn’t have Jurgen Prochnow in it, amirite? So, I guess John didn’t mind too much, and he was probably still living off cheques coming in from the runaway success that was Big Trouble in Little China.

Event Horizon is tinged with tragedy as we see Laurence Fishburne once again come to terms with massive changes in his life... in this instance it was the news that his daughter would – in the future – become a pornographic actress. In one touching scene we see an eyeless Neill attempt to explain to a Fishburne-in-freefall that acting in ‘flappy skinflicks’ was just as artistically valid as stage acting. Fishburne rose and, angrily, expressed his suspicion that Neill was somehow involved in the whole thing, as he had not previously mentioned the nature of his daughter’s incursions. All Neill could respond with was “you don’t need eyes to see”. Satisfied, Fishburne beat him with an oxygen cylinder, or something.

The question that mainly arises when talking about Event Horizon is “why is Sean Pertwee in it?” – a good fucking question. The only answer that I, as an industry insider, could come up with is that in the office of the Paramount Pictures Chief Executive is a rolodex with the names of British actors who are willing to frequently die in films they appear in. On the top of this rolodex is Pertwee, so out of lethargy alone he was chosen. According to sources, upon being offered the role Pertwee responded with a series of guttural bubble explosions as he was practicing stabbing himself in the stomach. Or he was sucking a massive wang.

Characters:

Sam Neill plays Dr. Alan Grant who has gone back to the future with the help of Sir. Richard Attenborough in order to secure a ship that bends space – Attenborough’s ambition is to realise his dreams of intergalactic dinosaur space travel. Fishburne plays a recently widowed, ex-con, former US Ranger who is tasked with tracking down Neill’s characters before he can reach the part of space where a horizon is formed and events take place. There are no other characters in the film.

Plot:

Neill eventually reaches the ship before Fishburne, only to find that it has been to Hell. What ensues is a darkly psychological game of cat and mouse, with Neill frequently breaking the fourth wall with mention of Fishburne’s recent problems. (Spoilers now) Eventually, Neill’s taunts drive Fishburne ‘to the loop de loop’ and he sits back as Neill, who has removed his own eyes for reasons unknown, begins to summon Attenborough through the Dinosaur Gate. The films ends showing the Knight of the Realm’s deathhand begin to appear through what seems to be water, or something. Neill has the final line of the films, stating that he has never before seen "such feral shit".

Conclusion:

Positive: It’s nice to see Wes Anderson make a film that isn’t just about elongated, slurred speech, predictable and awkward character development and gay soundtracks; his reckless disregard for the fourth wall is, also, at points exhilarating.

Negative: Neill’s performance becomes tired quickly with his frequent knowing looks directly into the camera.

Best line: Fishburne: “Oh. My. God. What happened to your eyes?”

Out of ten: FIVE (It’s not as scary as everyone says)

Predators (2010) - Nimród Antal

Introduction

My first film review is a retrospective one - I watched it a couple of weeks ago after its release on blu-ray; and that’s what this film is – no, not a fucking blu-ray DVD - a retrospective.

Sure, it’s got the glitter and the gleam of the boyfriendless-feminist vaginal discharge that was every Predator-related outgoing since the sequel, has ‘my nose is a better character actor than I am’ Adrian Brody in it (as well as an aging and, frankly, disappointing Lawrence Fishburne) and shows off some impressively shit CGI, but it’s not a contemporary film – it was made in 1986.

“WTF LOL it sez it was mad in 2010!?” is what you’re probably thinking, and you’d be right, because it was made in 2010; but wait, because Antal (director), Litvak (writer) and Finch (writer) were paying close attention during ‘80s Sci-Fi school and the economic virility of its sister franchise. Check it:

Alien (1979): A film about respected actor John Hurt getting intergalactically raped by an alien and Sigourney Weaver surviving to tell the tale.

Predator (1987): A film about less respected actor Carl Weathers getting intergalactically murdered by an alien and Arnold Schwarzenegger surviving to tell the tale.

Aliens (1986): A film about an emotionally crippled Sigourney Weaver making friends with a ragtag bunch of marines and developing human feelings for another person, whilst people get raped by aliens.

Predator 2 (1990): A film about an existentialist Danny Glover going it alone in a cold world, eventually overcoming an alien.

... wait... what?

Alien 3 (1992): A film about an existentialist Sigourney Weaver going it alone in a cold prison colony, eventually overcoming an alien.

AVP (2004): A massive, steaming pile of shit.

Alien: Resurrection (1997): A film about cloning, or something; it gets less important.

Brody in [the] shit

AVPR (2007): I DUNNO LOL

Predators (2010): A film about an emotionally crippled Adrian Brody making friends with a ragtag bunch of mercenaries and developing human feelings for another person, whilst people get killed by aliens.

Ah-ha, you see what I did there? That’s why Predators is from 1986 – yeah, I know it predates the original, but fuck you. I’m illustrating a point here. Predators is the sequel that should have been, you see what I’m getting at?

In terms of the films itself, I can only appreciate it properly if I approach from the above illustrated angle; I have to pretend that I am viewing it at the same sort of time I saw Aliens for the first time, as well as them having to have completed the original Predator earlier than they actually did.

Characters (spoilers):

But, anyway. The film collected together a bunch of actors who portray racial stereotypes who die in stereotypical ways. Brody plays an embittered American Mercenary who prefers to work alone; Topher Grace plays a doctor who turns out to be a serial killer (that’s a massive spoiler, but if you can’t work it out for yourself then you’re as stupid as this film's bland, racist motif); Alice Braga plays a ‘hard-as-fuck’ embodiment of female equality in the form of an Israeli soldier, “she don’t take no shit” is what the insipid message of the film is; Walton Goggins plays a pointless convict; Oleg Taktarov plays a giant baby; Danny Trejo play... a South American criminal; Louis Ozawa Changchien plays a Yakuza guy; Mahershalalhashbaz Ali plays an African typecast and Laurence Fishburne plays himself after discovering that his daughter does hardcore porn.

Plot (spoilers):

All of these schmucks get dropped on a planet where they get hunted by two separate groups of predators who are having their own problems. There are other aliens and shit there too, but the film doesn’t bother to explore this much. So, as you expect, there is a jagged alliance between the human characters as they struggle to overcome the technologically advanced Predators.

This scene is a flashback

This is where Aliens springs to mind and you kind of end up wishing the film had been made in the 1980s, because there’s crappy CGI and typical suspension of disbelief via nauseous camera movement and more smashcuts than an epileptic at a trance festival. So, I got angrier and angrier, and then the characters get picked off one by one, as usual, with the racial stereotyping going as far as to have the Japanese guy die in a fucking samurai sword fight. I mean, really? Are we not over this kind of thing yet? For fuck’s sake.

Eventually Brody and Braga are the last ones left alive after killing the Predators and our patriarchal protagonist delivers the final shit line: “Now, let’s find a way off this fucking planet”. Great Stuff.

Conclusion:

Positive: See this film if you enjoy the Predator franchise and fancy something that’s [at least slightly] in a similar style and thematically to the original two films.

Negative: The acting is shit and the plot is fucked.

Defining moment: Fishburne’s emotional decay and conversations with a daughter who is no longer there.

Best line: Fishburne: “They can hear you. Smell you. They see you.” Yeah – fucking doo-wop, motherfucker, people have those senses too.

Out of ten: FIVE (Modal; ambivalent; contextually enjoyable; exophorically poor)