Pending its imminent DVD release and on the advice of a friend, I thought I’d make a pre-emptive strike against cinema by reviewing Stallone’s seventh directorial triumph.
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| There is tasty torture-porn in it |
This film is like a vengeful dog performing penis reduction surgery; it achieves its goals, coming in at a very watchable one hour and a half, but by the methods employed they’ve removed the best fucking bit: the bulbous, purple end. What you’re left with is a mess of pseudo-erotic computer generated gore, a reduction in depth, the inability to procreate and merely a 'length'. That’s how this film is and makes me feel. Like a dog bit my cock off. And I REALLY like dogs.
Characters:
One of the main draws of the film is the cast list. They’re a group of strongmen with dubious and varying levels of acting ability and it features some cameos that last literally seconds from strongmen with dubious and varying levels of acting ability. However, it’s worth mentioning them individually, because that’s all anyone gives a fuck about:
Barney Ross (Stallone): Stallone plays himself, transported – oh, look, I can’t even be fucking bothered. I mean, seriously, I’m surprised that the studios let him get away with this shit. As an ex-heroin addict I know how difficult it is to say ‘no’ to the needle, but when Stallone next goes in for some fucking cosmetic chassis work on his face, somebody else should say it for him.
Lee Christmas (Statham): Ever since I saw Death Race, which features the extraordinarily talented Ian McShane, I have cut a finger off for every subsequent film Jason Statham has been in. Sadly, this means that I now only have four fingers to type with (well, two fingers and two thumbs). He plays what I think is supposed to be an Englishman affecting an American accent who is in a relationship with a domestically abused Charisma Carpenter.
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| Check the filename, LOL! |
Ying Yang (Li): Ying Yang is a non-specifically-defined ‘oriental man’ who constantly receives jibes from his co-stars on account of his ethnically related stature. It’s a fucking awful state of affairs to see a talented Jet Li sink so low for the sake of money; the confused man constantly refers to a family that he openly admits he doesn't have.
Toll Road (Couture): A genial, Hawaiian-shirt-wearing... boxer, or something? His role within the film is, like, totally unclear. He sees a therapist, which the others make fun of, but otherwise does nothing at all.
Hale Caesar (Crews): Crews plays the customary shotgun-wielding, tough-talking black guy who at one stage of the film is destined to save his co-stars. It’s that fucking remedial.
Tool (Rourke): Straight off the set of Iron Man 2, Rourke has the same makeup, hairstyle and character. It’s shocking. The people who did the casting (Deborah Aquila and Mary Tricia Wood) and costume (Lizz Wolf) should be lined up and violated nasally with a lobotomy spike.
Gunner Jensen (Lundgren): Flawed, drug-addicted Gunner is by far the most interesting and morally ambiguous character. A true mercenary, he is brutally violent, vulgar, unstable and racially prejudice. I genuinely hope that this marks a cinematic renaissance for Lundgren, whose performance and acting ability are actually worthy of note.
Plot:
The film starts with the main characters viciously massacring a boat-full of African fishermen. Watch it and imagine this is the case – the dialogue and actions take on a more violent shade of crap.
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| Sieg Heil, baby! |
But it’s okay, because they’re a group of mercenaries who are in due course hired by a mysterious CIA agent called Mr. Church (Bruce Willis) to take out a [Random South American Country]’s dictator (David Zayas), who is being supported by former CIA insurgent James Munroe (Eric Roberts). Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is effectively playing a dramatised role of himself, also vies for the contract, but can’t be bothered to do it in the end as he has aspirations on becoming the president. A real-world allusion? How fucking nifty. However, it’s interesting watching Stallone and Schwarzenegger interact, as there is obviously still a lot of bad blood over the fact that Stallone revealed Schwarzenegger’s father was a Nazi cunt.
They go to this undesignated country, where Christmas takes some wonderful photographs and Ross falls in love. They get ethically confused at some point and decide to go home. After a chat with Tool, Ross decides that he needs to go back in order to save the girl, who it turns out is the daughter of the dictator. So they go back and get her.
That’s the film, really. During this time there is – I must admit – a magnificent piece of vintage waterboarding, as well as a pick and mix of broken bones, blood, and Steve Austin [under]acting. All of this would be great, if there were actually characters in the film; I honestly didn’t give two shits what happened to any of these 'people'... apart from Lundgren.
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| Lundgren's surprisingly good performance |
Lundgren’s performance as Gunner is comparable to Jean-Claude Van Damme’s exposed self-appraisal in JCVD: a post-modern extension of his own career. We see Lundgren begin the film by being a bit too enthusiastic with a grenade launcher, only to be thrown out of the ‘big boy club’ by Stallone. He goes on to do some shit for some fairly bad guys, and ends up getting beaten up by Jet Li, and then shot by Stallone. Oh, yeah, ‘spoiler alert’. Near the very end of the film, he’s a lot better, looking a bit more with-it, and everyone’s forgotten that he betrayed them and he learns to laugh again.
This is exactly what happened in real fucking life. Lundgren was in Rocky IV in 1985, did He-Man in 1987 and then Universal Soldier in 1992. Then he did fuck all. He was thrown out of the ‘big man actor’s guild’ and did a series of utterly forgettable films for some bad men before this one for an even worse man. He’s back in the club and nobody said shit! Watch out for him, because the work is going to come rolling in...
Conclusion:
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| The Canon 7D boasts a new 18mp APS-C CMOS sensor |
I hate watching films about CIA intervention in Latin America. It’s fucking disgusting that Hollywood makes light of the fact that The Agency they glorify helps to bring to power crooked fascists, only to depose them years later. What does this mean? The people suffer. The common man is the only one who picks up the cheque when the establishment decides new despots need to run the drug trafficking. No fucking gods, no fucking masters.
Positive: Salacious but acceptable violence
Negative: Shit cast, shit plot, unnaturally contracted
Best line:
Trench (Schwarzenegger): [to Barney] Hey, how about dinner?
Barney Ross: Yeah, when?
Trench: In a thousand years?
Barney Ross: Too soon.
Trench: In a thousand years?
Barney Ross: Too soon.
Out of ten: THREE (Just for the shitty piece of dialogue above)
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