Predators (2010) - Nimród Antal

Introduction

My first film review is a retrospective one - I watched it a couple of weeks ago after its release on blu-ray; and that’s what this film is – no, not a fucking blu-ray DVD - a retrospective.

Sure, it’s got the glitter and the gleam of the boyfriendless-feminist vaginal discharge that was every Predator-related outgoing since the sequel, has ‘my nose is a better character actor than I am’ Adrian Brody in it (as well as an aging and, frankly, disappointing Lawrence Fishburne) and shows off some impressively shit CGI, but it’s not a contemporary film – it was made in 1986.

“WTF LOL it sez it was mad in 2010!?” is what you’re probably thinking, and you’d be right, because it was made in 2010; but wait, because Antal (director), Litvak (writer) and Finch (writer) were paying close attention during ‘80s Sci-Fi school and the economic virility of its sister franchise. Check it:

Alien (1979): A film about respected actor John Hurt getting intergalactically raped by an alien and Sigourney Weaver surviving to tell the tale.

Predator (1987): A film about less respected actor Carl Weathers getting intergalactically murdered by an alien and Arnold Schwarzenegger surviving to tell the tale.

Aliens (1986): A film about an emotionally crippled Sigourney Weaver making friends with a ragtag bunch of marines and developing human feelings for another person, whilst people get raped by aliens.

Predator 2 (1990): A film about an existentialist Danny Glover going it alone in a cold world, eventually overcoming an alien.

... wait... what?

Alien 3 (1992): A film about an existentialist Sigourney Weaver going it alone in a cold prison colony, eventually overcoming an alien.

AVP (2004): A massive, steaming pile of shit.

Alien: Resurrection (1997): A film about cloning, or something; it gets less important.

Brody in [the] shit

AVPR (2007): I DUNNO LOL

Predators (2010): A film about an emotionally crippled Adrian Brody making friends with a ragtag bunch of mercenaries and developing human feelings for another person, whilst people get killed by aliens.

Ah-ha, you see what I did there? That’s why Predators is from 1986 – yeah, I know it predates the original, but fuck you. I’m illustrating a point here. Predators is the sequel that should have been, you see what I’m getting at?

In terms of the films itself, I can only appreciate it properly if I approach from the above illustrated angle; I have to pretend that I am viewing it at the same sort of time I saw Aliens for the first time, as well as them having to have completed the original Predator earlier than they actually did.

Characters (spoilers):

But, anyway. The film collected together a bunch of actors who portray racial stereotypes who die in stereotypical ways. Brody plays an embittered American Mercenary who prefers to work alone; Topher Grace plays a doctor who turns out to be a serial killer (that’s a massive spoiler, but if you can’t work it out for yourself then you’re as stupid as this film's bland, racist motif); Alice Braga plays a ‘hard-as-fuck’ embodiment of female equality in the form of an Israeli soldier, “she don’t take no shit” is what the insipid message of the film is; Walton Goggins plays a pointless convict; Oleg Taktarov plays a giant baby; Danny Trejo play... a South American criminal; Louis Ozawa Changchien plays a Yakuza guy; Mahershalalhashbaz Ali plays an African typecast and Laurence Fishburne plays himself after discovering that his daughter does hardcore porn.

Plot (spoilers):

All of these schmucks get dropped on a planet where they get hunted by two separate groups of predators who are having their own problems. There are other aliens and shit there too, but the film doesn’t bother to explore this much. So, as you expect, there is a jagged alliance between the human characters as they struggle to overcome the technologically advanced Predators.

This scene is a flashback

This is where Aliens springs to mind and you kind of end up wishing the film had been made in the 1980s, because there’s crappy CGI and typical suspension of disbelief via nauseous camera movement and more smashcuts than an epileptic at a trance festival. So, I got angrier and angrier, and then the characters get picked off one by one, as usual, with the racial stereotyping going as far as to have the Japanese guy die in a fucking samurai sword fight. I mean, really? Are we not over this kind of thing yet? For fuck’s sake.

Eventually Brody and Braga are the last ones left alive after killing the Predators and our patriarchal protagonist delivers the final shit line: “Now, let’s find a way off this fucking planet”. Great Stuff.

Conclusion:

Positive: See this film if you enjoy the Predator franchise and fancy something that’s [at least slightly] in a similar style and thematically to the original two films.

Negative: The acting is shit and the plot is fucked.

Defining moment: Fishburne’s emotional decay and conversations with a daughter who is no longer there.

Best line: Fishburne: “They can hear you. Smell you. They see you.” Yeah – fucking doo-wop, motherfucker, people have those senses too.

Out of ten: FIVE (Modal; ambivalent; contextually enjoyable; exophorically poor)